Eurovision 2010 - Here's What You Could Have Won

As sure as Spring brings daffodils and little baby lambs, in some curious corners of society it also brings with it Eurovision fever. Unknown to most of you there have been a cavalcade of national finals around the continent since the crack of the year, and now, all bar the final tweaks and remixes, all 39 songs for this year's edition have been chosen.

But 2010 is a bit different. Universally accepted as the worst contest since the drab days of the mid 90s, this year sees a barrage of Disney ballads, mid-tempo plodders and Pop Idol karaoke. Even hardened Eurovision fans are admitting it all looks a bit dull. But if could have all been so different. In practically every national final (well, except ours, naturally) there was one or two stand out tunes that would have filled the contest with a little bit of joy, excitement or downright bewilderment.

So here's a brief trip through some of the best songs that never made it, and some of the freakazoid curiosities this year's line up is sadly missing. But be warned, it's for strong stomachs, so you might want to digest it all in a couple of visits. Madams et monseiurs, settle in for the Eurovision that should have been...

There may have been better national finals, but there certainly wasn't any more eventful events than the Moldova process. Over the period of a couple of months the choices of national broadcaster TRM managed to wind the population up so much with its final selections that there was protests on the streets of Chisinau.

Perennial non-qualifier Sasha Bobnibov tried his hand again with this slightly unsettling ditty...


And who wouldn't want this bonkers Halliwell-alike representing them in Oslo?...


But best of all was the man who nearly started a revolution all his own, the supermarket security guard superstar Pavel Turcu - although I'm not sure even he understood what all the fuss was about...


The Swedes have often been accused of thinking too hard about the contest, then sending the same thing every year. So what a shame they missed out on a two prime opportunities to do something just a little bit different this year.

There was the joyful Balkan hip hop option from Andra Generationen and Dogge Doggelito...

And on the other side of the coin, the understated and quietly stunning Pain of Salvation...
















Hosts Norway also missed out on two amazing chances to send something a bit different from their usual schlager fare.

A reformed A1 (yes really!) must have stood a great chance of a top five finish had the good people of the Northlands deemed them worthy...


While Keep of Kalessin did what Norway do best and made a right old racket...















Lithuania are always prone to strangeness, but they surpassed their own high standards with these two beauties this year.

Gaudentas Janusas dealt us possible the oddest song of the year. Listening to the crowd's reaction we have to assume that he's either a well-known comedian out that way, or just bit unhinged...

Mariaana Seppern, on the other hand, shows that you can have all the right ingredients and still be a dozen shade of wrong. Be warned, mind, as this one is liable to stick in your brain for months...

Estonia probably had the best selection of the year, with not a single stinker among their ten tunes. This, of course, condemned whichever one of them actually got through to semi-final failure at the end of May, but that doesn't mean you can't enjoy the lot of them by clicking here. However, we rather took a shine to this pair.

Groundhog Day, and their stands-out-like-a-sore-thumb hands-in-the-air indie rock...


And the squeaky, wouldn't-want-her-round-your-house bonkersness of Iiris Vesnik...


Elsewhere around Europe, poor dear Michael Jackson still can't rest in his box - as this curious effort from Romania's Lucia Dumitrescu attests...


Malta's Glenn Vella, on the other hand, only appears to have listened to Thriller for the last 14 years...


There was also a refreshing batch of slightly rocky, punky and indiefied tunes scattered around the continent - none of which, of course, made it through to Oslo. And in most of these cases, that's a danged shame.

Croatia's Valungari offered up this gloriously singalong bit of ska-folk fusion. Nice chandelier, too...


Iceland appear to be having somewhat of a Tenpole Tudor revival. Just take a look at Hvanndalsbræður...


And whoever knew that the Greeks had so this kind of shouty bondage pop in them!...


We also loved the unlikely Albanian gloom fest of Bojken Lako and Banda Adriatica. Five and a half minutes of dark, rambling pomp, infused with weirdly folksy bits, it doesn't really get going till the last minute, but you'll be glad you sat out the journey...


Before we get on with the good stuff, I feel compelled to draw your attention to two of the worst performances I've ever seen in 40 odd years of following this funny old contest.

Constantinos Kontozis and Soul Throw obviously thought they were being kooky and fun, but they managed to have clutched at every 'I'm mad, me' straw in the barn of desperation, and nipped round to Nicosia central casting to cobble together a massive ragbag of wrong. Be warned, this is bad...


Meanwhile, closer to home, our very own Esme put in a vocal performance so poor you won't even feel sorry for her. What are the words again, love?...


Don't worry, we're on the home straight now. The real joy of Eurovision for the rank and file Saturday Night TV viewer is the freakazoid entries - the ones that have you shouting "Did you see that?!!!" at work on Monday morning - and we certainly missed out on a fair few gems this term.

Nick Egibyan's intro clip won't prepare you for his on stage persona in this gem from Armenia...


Latvia's final was full of curiosities, but we rather enjoyed this slightly creepy teenage stalker anthem from PeR...


This happy-go-lucky little ditty from Portugal's Seis Po'Meia Duzia would have defied explaination even back in the 70s...


Slovakia's opera rock amalgam by Pavol Remenár, Klára and Liquid Error is similarly uncategorisable, but is so good it makes your face hurt...


Their alphabetical neighbours from Slovenia had a much more gran-frightening slant on things with the frankly terrifying Zadnji Taxi...


Then there were a few tunes you probably wouldn't be too embarassed to actually admit liking in the real world.

It seemed like every country in Europe had their own car boot version of Lady Gaga in the finals this year. Most of them were scraggy pub singers in frightwigs and angular shoulders, but the best of them was Poland's Anna Cyzon, who managed to get a small slice of Stefani in there too...


Serbia missed a trick with this brilliantly chaotic number from Emina Jahovic...


While ancient Spanish rave head Chimo Bayo managed to get himself disqualfied before he even got going. But this belter would have gone down a storm among the forest of ballads we've got to sit through this year...


And we mustn't forget my new favourite band, Eläkeläiset, whose vodka-fuelled Humppa is the current soundtrack to my life...


But best of the bunch was this unassuming little outfit from Russia. Their final was packed full of gems, but this one stood head and shoulders above the rest. Had this got to Oslo it would have won by an all time record score and have been talked about for many years to come. It's quite possibly the most beautiful thing that I've ever see on a stage. So ladies and gentlemen, please accept your reward for making it all this way down this sorry list of songs, the utterly fantasic Buranovskiye Babushki...


 
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